Long, long month

It has been a very long summer, and an even longer month or so. After being sick for what amounted to basically the entire summer as I recall, we kicked it into high gear trying to get some things finished before the winter really set in. Main project: new wood fence.

Jim has remained sick with this coughing madness, so I sidelined him early in the fence project, and called in my awesome mom to help me with clearing the brush that was embedded in our old metal chain-link fence. I mean, really embedded and overgrown. There is an easement behind our house between our yard/fence and a commercial property. Well, no one has ever taken care of it, so it obviously took over our fence and started on our yard. We have cut it back every year, but it proceeded to grow back with a vengeance every year. So, my mom and I spent at least 5 hours a day for two ENTIRE weeks clearing this stuff out. It was back-breaking work. Oh, and I got poison oak from it. All over my arms and face.

So, we got Jim out there after a few weeks and he helped us cut and tear down the fence. That was pure hell, also. I kept repeating "This is the hardest part of the job so far!" during every phase of the project. It all sucked. It was all difficult. I cried a few times from exhaustion and frustration. But, my mom is a rock star and pushed me and kept me going through it all. I would have quit ten times over if she had not been here. Seriously.

So, after all that is done, it's time to put up a fence! My mom and I are finished! Or so I thought. There was more for us to do, and we did it. Happily. Jim's dad and brother came over and the three of us (and me sometimes) put up the wood fence over a couple of weekends. Whew! I have pictures, somewhere. I'll try to post them soon.

It doesn't sound as grueling on paper as it was in real life. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally drained from this project. And, it doesn't help matters that it is still not finished. Our famous 90% is complete. We still have a gate to finish, corners to finish, and posts to trim down. Ugh. Stupid fence. It will be so very pretty and worth it when it is done. It will. It will!

Can you tell I'm sick of home improvement projects? I still have touch-up work to do on the bathroom that I thought I would finish over the summer! Oh well, as my neighbor keeps reminding me, "Owning a home - it's a process."

Now that Thanksgiving is over (and it was awesome, except for my sweet potatoes ending up all over my driveway) and winter is setting in (as in, it has been snowing ALL day long today - crazy), I am hoping for a little bit of calm. I need to get back on track with eating well and working out (now that I can breathe again) and get back to some sort of routine before the CRAZY of the new year begins!

*Notice there is no accountability weight number in this post. Yeah, there's not going to be one this time. Bleh.

Notes on a Life

Anyone remember me?

I am thinking no one checks this anymore (except probably my mom - ha), but it's time to start writing again! I'm going to make some brief notes about life here over the last several months, and then will proceed to explain some of them further in later (but not too much later!) posts!

*I'm still in the midst of wedding planning. Some of it is fun, but a lot of it just stressful.

*One of my best friends and her husband are fostering (and hoping to adopt) a family of three children. They are super sweet kids and I hope it goes all the way to adoption, because I can't think of two better parents!

*I have actually gained about 11 pounds back. It's super embarrassing, and I hate to admit it. But, I can't run away from it, so I just need to get back to work. It's so hard!

*I've been doing a lot with Make-A-Wish, which is awesome!

*My poor puppy has some serious knee issues, and we need to find the money somewhere to fix them.

*My niece Shelby turned 1 last month, and my nephew Ricky turned 4 - crazy!

*Jim and I got Whooping Cough. Yeah, that's right! Whooping Cough. It lasted for months (seemed like for-e-ver).

*I saw my nephew Ryan march in his high school band, and they were incredible. I'm so proud of him!

*We are in the middle of yet another DIY adventure - tearing down an overgrown-with-brush-chain-link-fence and building a new wood fence in the backyard. It's getting to be a more miserable job than anticipated, but it will not defeat us!

*My cousin and her family are coming in town again this Thanksgiving! That's two years in a row! Yay!

*And, last but not least, and probably the biggest news of all: Jim and I are starting a private practice law firm in the not-so-distant future. It's super-duper exciting, as well as super-duper scary! A little (lot) of sacrifice now will be so worth it in the long run.

Well, I hope that's enough updates for now! Ha! It's been so long I feel like I could write for several days straight and post on here. However, I will spare you all for now. Hopefully I'll post again in a few days!

Lots of stuff happening!

Okay, it’s been awhile. But, there has been so much going on that I haven’t had time to slow down and write. So I’m going to try to fill y’all in a little!

Jim and I had to go out of town unexpectedly for a funeral in the beginning of June, so that wasn’t fun. We came home for a week and then turned around and went back out of town – for two whole weeks! We haven’t had a two-week vacation in, well, forever! It was honestly one of the best things we have ever done. We have both been much less stressed out all the time, but mostly Jim has had a complete 180 in how he feels about his job. He was so stressed out all the time, and we were in the process of re-doing his resume so he could start looking for another job. But, ever since that two weeks of putting all things work-related on the back burner, he has become a new man. I think he has finally figured out how to balance life and work – took long enough! He just has such a stressful, soul-sucking job, and I’m glad he’s figured out how to handle it.

Then, we came back home for a week, and then we went back out of town for the 4^th of July! Ha! We vacationed almost the entire month of June and into July! It was pure bliss!

On our two-week vacation, we did something pretty special, too. We found our wedding location! We’ve been engaged for a couple of years, so it’s kind of exciting to be actively planning it now. We have been talking about where to have it for-e-ver. We never could think of anywhere that was special enough to shell out a bunch of money for, so we kept shelving the discussion. Then, when we went to Crossville for those two weeks, we had an “Oh my gosh I can’t believe we never thought of this before!” moment – and the wedding planning was in full swing. We’re having it at the lake we vacation every single year. They have a neat rustic pavilion right on the lake, nestled in the Cumberland mountains, and we are so excited! It’s a truly special place for us, and I hope the wedding will be laid back and lots of fun!

So, we’ve been immersed in wedding planning since then (as well as purchasing a new heating and air system and hot water heater – but that deserves a post all to itself – ugh!) – trying to get the details ironed out in Crossville while we were there, since we might not be back until next year. And since then, I’ve been thinking about it way too much. I’m a planner by nature (read OCD), so I have this need to get a plan set in stone so I can stop thinking about it so much. If I have a plan, I can spend the rest of the time until the wedding making it happen at a reasonable, cost-effective pace. I just can’t stop changing my mind. We’ll see how it goes. I’ve only had one wedding fail nightmare so far, so that’s good I guess? :-)

As for the dieting and eating well, that went out the window about 4 or 5 days into round one of vacationing! But, I’m happy to report that I have only gained 1 pound – which is most likely because I stopped working out and all of my muscle turned into fat. So, I presume I’ve gained more than I’d like, but I’m also thankful I didn’t pack on 10 pounds in two months like I know I’m capable of. Now that I have a wedding dress to fit into it’s time to get back to work! I’m so very glad I started this weight loss journey at the start of the year instead of just now. Fingers crossed that I look stunningly beautiful by June 2, 2012 – wedding day!

Bathroom photos!

Okay, the long-awaited, 90% completed bathroom photos. Jim and I have a running joke that every major renovation project we do only gets 90% completed before we completely burn out or start a new project. Currently, we are trying to focus more on getting the outside flowerbeds ready for the summer. But, we only have maybe one day of work left on the bathroom, so hopefully we will get it finished in the next few weeks!

This is a direct shot into the bathroom from the doorway. As you can see, we have some scraping and touch-ups to do around the shower tile, but otherwise not bad!:

This is a picture of the floor, obviously! Very proud of it - design and execution!:

This is a shot of one corner of the shower wall. Again, this is part of the finishing that needs to be done - more grout cleaning and few grout touch-ups, and the walls of course!:

And, this is the other side, a little closer up!:

And, in case anyone forgot what it looked like waaaaaaaaaaaaay back when we got started:

So, now that I have looked through the pictures again, I can say I'm pretty proud! We may even finish it sooner now... maybe. :-)

Different

Well, much to my current dismay, I am posting progress pictures that I took a couple of weeks ago. I say dismay because the pictures kind of depressed me when I looked at them. Well, really depressed me. I decided that I needed to take pictures in tighter fitting clothes so I could really see the progress through the months. Well, I admit I never dreamed I would be thrilled with the way I look right now, but I truly thought I would see a bigger difference.

I feel so much better, so I guess I was hoping a new happy, healthy body would match my new happy, healthy self. Nope! All these pictures did was prove to me even more how horrendously out of shape I had gotten. I was in total denial of how much I had let myself go, and it made me sad. I told myself for several days that I didn’t see much difference in the before pictures and my current ones.

I have even started cringing when people tell me how they can really tell I’ve lost a lot of weight. I think in my mind I was hoping that everyone around me just never saw me. My insane hopes have been dashed, and every time a well-meaning and loving friend or family member starts enthusiastically commenting on how much different and better I am looking, I have to force myself not to resent it. I really do appreciate the love and support I get from everyone, so I have forced myself to embrace all of it instead of making it another reason for enhancing my poor body image issues.

But, a couple of weeks later, I am embracing the fact that I have lost 30 pounds and still have a long way to go. But, I’m on the right path, and it really, truly feels like it’s going to stick this time.

So, without further ado, here are the wretched pictures of me, admittedly much different from the first ones:

Sigh. My body shape better look good skinny, because it sure doesn't now!

Something else I'm reminded of by looking at this picture... I need a haircut!

Oh, and my weight today is 189.8. We were out of town for a week for a funeral, and we ate almost every meal out. So, I am pleased that it wasn't worse. I did fairly well ordering healthfully, and even got out and walked a jogged some. So, I'm not going to be upset about a slight gain.

Booker T. Washington

I wanted to recognize a high school in Memphis today. This high school is located in one of the poorest zip codes in the country - 90% poverty rate. These kids have overcome insane odds to become one of the better Memphis City Schools in the city. They have gone from 3% of the class going to college in 2003 to 70% of the class going to college this year. The graduation rate has increased from 55% to 82%. It's just unreal how these kids have overcome so much and have become empowered to be excellent.

They are being recognized for their extraordinary efforts today with President Obama giving their commencement speech. Can you imagine? No matter how you feel about the president's politics, this is an amazing deal for these kids - something they will never forget.

I hope it will be an additional inspiration for them to go forward and accomplish great things. I also hope that this school is an inspiration to the other schools in this city.

Here is the video that the school submitted for the competition for the commencement speech (it makes me teary-eyed when I watch it):

P.S. 189.0! :-)

Ugh!

I posted a new blog entry yesterday. And it disappeared. And I made a huge mistake - I didn't save it in Word form. Well, when I have another moment, I will try to re-create it. Boo.

Slow and Steady...

wins the race, right?

I am hoping that is the case, because my weight loss is very, very slow this time. I am hoping that because this is a life change and not a crash diet, I will be able to keep it off forever. Or, at least until I'm 80 and I don't care!

I am now at 191.2. I am so excited to be out of the 200's! Now, even if I step on the scale at night or in the middle of the day (I weigh in the mornings), I never, ever see a number in the 200's. :) I can't wait to hit that below 190 mark.

I have finally started exercising religiously again, which is nice - I forgot how much I enjoyed it. If I miss days, like last week when I was sick, I get the blahs and am overall more depressed and tired. Which is all the more reason to keep it up!

And, something exciting - I have kept up with the jogging! I am still in the jog a little/walk a little stage, but I really think I am going to get there. I know I have been told by doctors never to jog, but I don't care. I really enjoy it. I have been told that I will have to have knee replacement surgery within the next ten years, so I am going to use these old ones up as long as I can. I figure I may never be able to have this opportunity again, so I'm going for it. What's the worst that could happen, I have to have the surgery a year earlier? I'm down with that if it lets me have fun running now. (I know I have mentioned the jogging thing before, but I'm genuinely proud of it!)

I have been meaning to take my next stage photos to post (and for me to forever look at), but for some reason we keep forgetting. I wanted to take a picture every 20 pounds down, but I think I may be at 30 pounds down by the time I take this next one. I will be more vigilant about it once I start to really notice a big difference. I am told on a regular basis that I look a lot smaller, but I need photographic evidence!

Jim took my measurements when I started this journey, and we took them about a month ago to see my progress. I was amazed! I've lost about 20 inches total (arms, legs, waist, chest)! So, that was a huge deal, and made me allow myself some praise. :)

Other than that, things have been pretty hectic around here (which makes me even more pleased with the weight loss progress - being stressed and busy, and still able to lose? Never done it before). I've been doing a ton with Make a Wish, which is awesome. It's kind of crazy busy sometimes, though - which is good. This will help me figure out if I can handle going back to work someday. Of course, I've kind of gotten used to the life of a "housewife" that gets to do lots of volunteer work! And, I've really gotten used to the life of a woman that's not sick and in the hospital every few months, too. We'll see.

In addition to weight loss progress photos, I will have bathroom renovation photos as well. I was hoping to wait until we had every single bit of it finished, but we stalled (as usual) and haven't done the finishing touches yet. So, I'll post some current photos and then some final later. I think it looks fabulous! And, a big shout-out to my wonderfully awesome mother, who helped me immensely with the cleaning, scraping, grouting, and cleanup - I don't think I ever would have gotten it finished without her! (I am the grouting queen - Jim will have nothing to do with it. Plus, it satisfies my eternal need to find outlets for my OCD!)

Photos to come! :)

I may have pictures soon...

of a completed bathroom! Jim and I (and my mom!) have been working tirelessly for the last week getting the bathroom completed! We are having a guest stay this weekend and we wanted the bathroom finished. I've almost cried a few times because my hands and fingers and neck are all killing me from the tiling and scraping and such, and because I'm so tired of it. But, my mom is coming over this morning while Jim's at work and we are going to grout that shower! Then, all I have to do is wait for Jim to caulk it and then wait for the tub people to come and re-porcelain the tub tomorrow afternoon. Then, DONE! And it only took a total of two and a half years to finish! Ha! I will post pictures as soon as I can - I hope it's not a let-down after all this time!

After this last week, I will be ready for my mini-vacation this weekend! I'm leaving Jim behind and heading to Nashville to visit of my best friends for the weekend. I'm super excited about it, but I'm not looking forward to driving in Nashville traffic, that's for sure. My friend asked me if I wanted to come in early and stop by his work so he could show me around, and I actually hesitated for a moment because I wasn't sure about driving there. I've gotten so used to Jim doing all the driving! But, I sucked it up and realized I can hopefully count on my trusty GPS to get me where I need to go. I'm such a mess when it comes to driving in places I don't know! Pathetic. But, for those of you that know me and my sense of direction, you completely understand that it is not without merit for me to get a little anxious. :-)

And, my weight today is 200.6. I've been at this weight for 5 solid days. So, I'm hoping to hit that under 200 mark in the very, very near future. Whew - hard work for that, too!

Here I am!

Okay, I've been slacking. I apologize, because I know that there are about 100 people at any given moment chomping at the bit for me to write another post. :-)

I've been feeling well lately, which is great! However, I've been struggling with the healthy lifestyle changes. Somehow, I managed to lose a couple more pounds without trying whatsoever. I have now re-started eating healthfully, and have officially added going to the gym to my list of healthy activities. I also started logging my calorie intake again yesterday. My weight this morning was 202.0. I can feel those one hundreds in my near future!

I did something yesterday that I am ridiculously proud of. It was probably stupid, because I have knees that are so shockingly awful, every time a doctor checks them out he or she always says "wow!" But, I figure I'll use them as long as they hold up. So, I jogged! I can't remember ever jogging before, really. Walking, yes. Walking really fast, yes. But jogging? Never. I only probably went a collective quarter mile at the jogging pace, with longer intervals of walking. However, I am so incredibly crazy excited and proud of myself that I have to brag. :-)

I have always had these visions of a skinny me jogging outside with my pup, and lately I have had dreams of jogging or biking along the Greenline, enjoying the outdoors and getting exercise at the same time. I think maybe, as long as I don't injure myself, this might be in my future. Well, probably not the skinny part, but hopefully the exercising part!

I hope to report back soon with a longer stretch of jogging, and perhaps a weight that is under 200! Also, I think I said awhile ago that I would post a "before" picture - as much as it stings, I'm going to do it. This was 16 pounds ago. I think I may take a picture at every 20 pound mark. I have always hated having my picture taken. When I say hated, I mean I would get angry at people that tried to take it. Hopefully by the end of this journey, I won't be quite as camera shy. Memories are a great thing to have on film.

This is me - fatty.

Sigh.

Whatever, I'll be stunningly beautiful and

normal-sized someday!

This is the most dreaded photo angle. The profile. Ugh, my face, my stomach, bleh.

I'm thinking I should probably wear something a little more form-fitting for my pictures from now on.

I will also try to minimize the flash glare in the next pictures, too! It's Jim's fault.

Whew! I will never miss photos where I look like this. Ever. And, since I am nearing the 20 pound mark in my journey, I guess I will have more pictures up soon! I am actually not as embarrassed posting these pictures as I thought I would be. Why? Because I know that I won't ever allow myself to get this big again. Ever.

Coming Around

Well, I'm trying to overcome my biggest obstacle lately: myself. I got super sick last month (hence the single blog post for the month), and am now trying to talk my way back into counting calories, healthy eating, and exercising. I feel like I completely obliterated every single effort I have already put into this healthy lifestyle track I was on.

I will say, one thing that may have saved me, was the fact that my round of illnesses ended with a spectacular, three-day-long stomach bug, which in turn made me lose every ounce I had put back on the previous few weeks when I was sick and slipped up eating-wise and didn't exercise.

So, here I am, a week after feeling better, and I'm still not back on track. I've gained a pound since my stomach bug ended, and I'm over it. I'm at 205.4. I'm ready to get back on track, but it's so hard! I feel like I'm more out of shape now than I was two months ago when I started all of this. But, I also think I am finally ready to get back to it - I hope.

I thank my lucky stars that the stomach bug put me back where I needed to be weight-wise. I know that's a terrible thing to say, and every time I think about it I think about the book/movie The Devil Wears Prada where one of the assistants says that she's only a stomach flu away from her goal weight. I get it now. Of course, with my ostomy, stomach bugs of any kind usually land me in the hospital. However, I evaded that horror this time - yay for massive amounts of Pedialyte! But, even though I missed out on jail/hospital this time, I probably shouldn't be thanking a stomach bug for anything. I should know better.

So, it's time to get back on track. And, thankfully, Spring is starting to spring up everywhere, so that gives me some inspiration to get out of the house and get moving! It's time to make sure my GPS sport tracking app is up-to-date, get my iPod mix updated, dust off my cross-trainers, and get moving!

Hopefully this illness and falling off the wagon test will turn out well. Fingers crossed! I consider this a huge hurdle in my mind, and I'm not running at quite enough speed to get over it yet - but I'm working on it.

Mental Obstacles

I have heard rumors before that once you hit the age of 30, any weight you need to lose will be significantly harder to lose. I thought, “Yeah, but I’m only early 30’s, so I’ll be able to lose weight just as easily as I did 4 years ago when the weight practically fell off.” Um. Not so much.

I have lost 14 pounds. Which is awesome! But, I’ll tell ya, I have never worked so hard for 14 measly pounds in my entire life. I now weigh 204 pounds. I have been between 204 and 206 for over two weeks now, and it is so frustrating.

My brain knows very well that slow and steady wins the race. A slow weight loss will hopefully mean a final weight that is maintainable. But, my heart wants it to fall off ten pounds at a time… preferably weekly. :-D

I truly thought I would be below 200 pounds by now. I teeter between thinking, “This is awesome! This weight is coming off and it’s going to stay off this time! This is a good pace to lose weight! I can do this!” Or, “This sucks! The scale isn’t moving like I want it to! I think I’ll just go binge on anything carb- or sugar-loaded I can find!” Nine times out of ten I win over the mental battles and walk away from the bread – but it is a battle fought in my brain every single time. It is mentally exhausting.

I also spend a lot of time these days trying to figure out what my deal with weight is. I still can’t really figure it out completely, other than food is comforting to me for some reason. I get stressed, and I eat. I get upset, and I eat. I get bored, and I eat. And so goes the pattern.

I have spent a good bit of time thinking about body image throughout my years as well. And, to be honest, my brain goes back to one time period in particular, which is a time period that has seemed to define (and redefine) my life: when I first got sick with Crohn’s.

I lost a massive amount of weight in a ridiculously short period of time when I first got sick. I was in severe pain all the time, I wasn’t eating, I was scared, I was wasting away, and I was miserable. But, at the same time I had this odd feeling of thinking I looked beautiful for the first time in my life, because I was so skinny. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me – I thought maybe I had somehow fallen into being anorexic, and I remember thinking, “Hey, I finally look good, I can maintain this.” I never told anyone how sick I felt, and how afraid I was that I was going to die from whatever this was.

Why? Because I had girls at my school telling me how good I looked! I had teachers coming up to me and telling me I looked fantastic and that whatever I was doing, keep it up! Now, do I think this was malicious? Absolutely not. Do I think this was a product of society telling girls and women that stick thin is infinitely better than chubby, and that these people were actually trying to compliment me? Yes. Does it make me angry to think about what might have been if I had spoken up earlier about being miserably sick, instead of thinking I looked better than I ever had before so I should continue embracing the misery for vanity’s sake? Absolutely, yes.

I look back at photos of myself sometimes from when I first got sick. I looked horrible. I was pale, my eyes were sunken in, I was too skinny, and I looked sick. But, at the time, I felt like I looked beautiful, so I hid every bit of the sick that I felt. It was because of a combination of what I thought was pretty, and what other people around me were telling me.

So, I think as a whole, I associate being thin with being sick. It’s an obvious association for me, I think. And, I need to break that association. Of course I know that losing weight will, in fact, make me healthier – not the opposite! But, mental obstacles are the most difficult to overcome.

After a lot of this reflecting, I am realizing that this weight loss journey is completely different than any other one I’ve ever been on. It is more mental than I had anticipated, but that’s a good thing. I’m not only focusing on eating right and working out, but I’m focusing on what I’m going to need in the future to sustain a healthy weight and a healthy lifestyle – a different attitude.

So, fingers crossed that this is going to be a good journey for me. I know it will be a slow and difficult journey, but a necessary one to achieve my ultimate goal of better health (and maybe a nice body also!).

Check in!

I've been super busy - which is great! I wanted to post about my last week's weight-loss journey. I am actually really proud of how I did last week. I am up from my last 205.4, and was 206.4 this morning when I weighed in. BUT, I added exercise to the mix this week, and I always gain a little or at least don't lose anything that first week of working out. I guess my body goes through shock because it's so used to being lazy and never doing anything more than walking.

I also had a pretty good test this past weekend - a football party! Loads of food all displayed right in front of me for hours, calling my name, tempting me... and I made it through with flying colors! I actually didn't want anything other than the veggies, and I had taken a Greek yogurt veggie dip to add to the mix on the table, in case I wanted something extra. Seriously, I was so proud of myself. Temptation like that is usually a huge downfall of mine, and I defeated temptation with ease. It was almost a weird, out-of-body experience. I can only hope that this is going to become the norm for me in the future.

So, I feel great, and I also know that as long as I stay on track with my eating and exercising, that I should start losing again soon! I am eagerly awaiting that under 200 mark, which is so close I can taste it. But, instead of focusing only on the scale this go around, I am focusing more on how I feel. My clothes fit better already, I have more energy, and I am overall a lot more upbeat. Which, of course, I knew would happen - I just have serious motivational issues when it comes to starting a journey like this.

And, a little side-note about this whole thing... I've been calorie counting this time. I'm not sure if I will be doing this for two months or two years; that is yet to be determined. But, for now, I absolutely love it! I can't believe I never put two and two together and thought about how awesome calorie counting would be for a woman with serious OCD and control issues! haha :-) I only joke a little - I seriously love it.

Anyway, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to post soon, or maybe some pictures! I'm still wondering about the commenting on here. I'm not getting any - which is fine. I just recall getting a couple of "your blog won't let me comment" emails at the first of the year, and I haven't gotten any comments since then. Of course, I also haven't gotten any more emails, so it may very well be that no one is commenting!

Renovations

I got a request this morning to post remodel pics on here, so I got the grand idea that I think I will post a whole bunch of before and after pics of our various remodels so I can hopefully impress you. Well, maybe not, but it's something I am very proud of. So, I just thought I would let you know that I honestly haven't forgotten about pics - we just haven't completely finished the bathroom (for many reasons) - but I can definitely post pics of how it looks now (so close!). So, I'll get right on that as soon as I have a few minutes!

Oh, and I got a fun surprise on the scale this morning - 205.4! Again, I can't believe this is a number I am excited about, but, well, I am. :-)

Obligations

I have had a terrible habit these last couple of years of being a flake. I commit to doing something, whatever it is, and a good 50% of the time (if not more) I back out. It's terrible. What are the reasons? I'm not particularly sure.

One part of my "bettering myself" idea this year is to stop flaking out on my obligations. I mean, who am I to think I'm not important enough for someone to actually count on? And, who am I to do this to people? It's one thing if I'm sick - I'll forgive myself for those. But, "I'm not in the mood to do that right now," is not an acceptable excuse to shirk my responsibilities. Even if I don't think it's the most important thing in the world, it just might be that important to someone else.

I don't want to be in the habit of letting people down. I have always tried to be the person that anyone and everyone could count on - but the last year or two that has taken a back seat to my up and down moods.

So, I had my first challenge today. Last week, I told Make-A-Wish that I would go to a workshop they were holding tonight for wish granting volunteers, and that I would bring an appetizer. In my mind, after a long day today, I had no desire to do this. I didn't think I would learn anything that I didn't already know, and I was fairly certain that whatever food I brought would just be overkill in addition to what everyone would bring.

I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go. I wanted to stay home and be lazy with Jim (who compounded the issue today when he got home from work and pouted because I had to leave). But, I pushed through and went anyway. And, you know what? I learned absolutely nothing, and I brought almost every bit of food back home with me that I took. BUT. I went, and that's what counts. I said I would go, and I followed through and didn't let anyone down. Would anyone have missed me? Probably not. But you never know. So, score one for me on the not flaking out on my obligations. Let's hope I can keep it up!

Oh, and I weighed 207.4 yesterday morning. Definitely not what I had wanted for my second week's weight loss, but it's a loss so I'll take it. :-)

We took a walk...

This is me on the lawn of East High School - it's one of the only pure snow blankets left that we saw. It melted a lot more than anticipated, but it's still pretty!

This is a couple of teenagers building a fairly large snowman in front of the school.

There were quite a few sledders out on the hill. It appears as though there have been a ton of people there all day sledding, because a lot of the snow is gone!

Jim and me pausing for a frigid photo!

This is our street right in front of our house.

And, last but not least - we made the world's cutest tiny snowman, complete with peppercorn eyes, sage leaf arms, and a tiny carrot nose whittled personally by Jim! We built him on our table on the back deck! We call him Irv. :-)

We got out a little late in the day to get any reeeeeeally great snow pictures, but it was still fun! Yay for snow days!!! :-)

Snow and other stuff!

Well, I say again that this is not going to turn into a weight-loss blog - I swear! But, I wanted to check-in with you all before I went out to play in the 4 inches of snow we received last night. That's a lot of snow for those of us that live in Memphis! I'll try to snap some photos and post some on here!

But, I thought I'd let you all know that I have lost 10 pounds! Current weight: 208! I never thought I would be excited about that weight, but I am. I know that kind of rapid weight loss isn't a normal thing, it's just a first-week body-shock weight loss. But, I'm going to roll with it and be happy, and revel in the fact that I'm doing well!

I have also added a page on here with some of my favorite (healthy) recipes - take a look if you like! And, if anyone has any recipes to share - feel free!

Oh, and one other thing - I heard a rumor that some people are having trouble making comments on my blog. I'm not sure why, as I've checked the settings and everything looks okay. So, if you wouldn't mind, email me if you have tried to comment and couldn't. I'll try to figure it out! Thanks!

Resolutions? Nope!

So, I am placing negatives aside for today’s post, and focusing solely on the positives. You’re welcome. :-)

Jim and I spent a blissful two weeks together with each other over the holidays because he had two weeks off from work. During this time, we had a lot of fun, but we also had a lot of deep, meaningful, introspective, and future-filled conversations. We tend to do this a lot, but these two weeks filled with conversations were wonderful for many reasons. That’s one thing Jim and I have always had – the ability to talk about anything and everything. After 7 years, we have never had a loss for conversation.

Our random talks were about tons of things – politics, volunteering, work, health, the future, the past, family, goals, insecurities, accomplishments, and so on and so forth.

A lot of reflecting also led us to pinpoint a few things about ourselves that we want to make better for the future, our future. Not resolutions! Resolutions get broken; this is a life change. It just happened to fall at the end of the year when we were able to spend so much quality time together, and to formulate some sort of plan. It is a beautiful thing to have each other for support in our journeys. Now, obviously I will only be talking about the things I am working on, so here goes nothing.

A few of the ways I want to improve my life:

· Eat well, all the time – eating right and paying close attention to what I put into my body

· Lose weight – currently, tracking my calories and nutrients so I can get comfortable with the content of everything I eat

· Make sure I take all of my meds and vitamins – I’ve always been terrible about forgetting them

· Exercise – at least 4 times a week, if not more

Now, these are the things I will be doing. But, there are so many beneficial things that will come out of doing this for me. I want to be the best me in the future. I want Jim and my family to get the best me, all of the time.

I have really let doubts, fears, and insecurities get the best of me in the past. But - and I know this will sound weird - but I had an amazing awakening around the holidays. I have a great life! I always focus way too much on the negative, and I need to focus on the positive. Bad, stressful things will always happen, but I need to make sure they don’t consume me. Because, usually, the good outweighs the bad!

So, to begin this journey of self-improvement, which includes a good bit of self-acceptance as well, I will be doing something absolutely horrifying. It's a worst nightmare type of thing, really! I will be posting my weight in every single post I make on this blog. Now, those of you that are close to me, know what a gigantic step this is for me. I won’t even let people take pictures of me. I turn down invitations, and dread the ones I accept, because I hate the way I look. But, I am now embracing this journey – which means embracing my appearance at every step. I may even have Jim take a picture of me later and post it on here, too!

This is not going to turn into a weight loss blog. I’m not going to post what I eat, and how much I exercise, because y’all aren’t interested in that. This is still going to be a self-centered all-about-me blog! ha! :-)

So… accountability… my weight when I “officially” started this journey on the 1st was: 218 (gasp!) I have lost a few pounds already, but I’ll wait until my next post to let you know what the next number is! Ooooh, the suspense!

Happy 2011, everyone! I hope it’s the best year yet for you all! :-)

Christmas post!

I’ve been wavering between being in the Christmas spirit and not being in the Christmas spirit. And, I truly am excited to be spending time with the whole family – some from out of town! We’re booked solid for Christmas Eve, Christmas day, and the day after Christmas – and I’m thrilled about it!

But, unfortunately, there has been this looming sense of chaos and turmoil in our house lately. We finally have our bathroom 95% completed, which is awesome! (Pictures to come when everything is 100% complete.) But, we had our brand new toilet installed, only to find out that there is a large crack inside the tank, causing a leak all over our new floor. And, three weeks later, we are still awaiting a replacement toilet from Kohler. And, the grout we chose that was perfect, turned out lighter than we had wanted once we put it down. We’ve gotten over all this, and have decided to not worry about the bathroom again until after the holidays.

This bathroom was on the fast track because we are in the middle of refinancing our house. Obviously, we needed a working second bathroom for the refi appraisal. So, we got that finished. Check. Done, right? Nope. We had our appraisal early last week, and got word from our mortgage company that the appraiser said we were required to scrape and repaint our garage before we could close. Yep. Paint and scrape a whole garage in 40 degree (and below) weather. He said their was a lead paint concern. Seriously? We already own the house! This same mortgage company sold us this house 3 years ago with that same paint already peeling. Now, in order to refinance the house we have to correct the possible problem. So, Jim and I scraped all day one day, then his father and brother came and helped us the next day, and we got it scraped and painted. Done. Two days.

Ok. So, did I mention that during this ludicrous job of scraping and painting a building in freezing temps, our mortgage person emailed and let us know that our rate lock had expired and our rates were now steadily rising? Yeah. Seriously. So, Jim contacts her and lets her know that it needs to be corrected and that she was negligent (in a much nicer way, because that’s Jim – I probably would have yelled at her). Long (very long) story short, to get our rates back to where they were originally, she switched us to an FHA loan and some other stuff I didn’t understand. It wasn’t until the next day when the appraiser came back, that we realized an FHA loan would require a more thorough appraisal. Our house is 75 years old. So, now Jim and I are holding our breath, awaiting what will most likely be another list of repairs required for us to re-purchase our own house. We discussed going to a different company, but the rates keep rising, so we are pretty much screwed and have to cut our losses and stay with our current company (which happens to be the same company we hold our original loan with), and hope we can make everything work out. If the savings weren’t so significant for us, we would have thrown our hands up in utter frustration by now and walked away. But, we just can’t do that. So, fingers crossed that we will actually close on our refi Monday as planned. I can already imagine the celebrating…

Oh, and did I mention that Jim managed to seriously pull a muscle in his back at the beginning of day 2 of the garage overhaul? I usually would force him to stop immediately. However, we had a deadline and he refused to stop (and I honestly knew he couldn’t stop if we were going to finish). So, I gave him some painkillers I had left over from my recent broken toes, and he pushed on, most likely making it much worse. So, here we are, 4 days after the initial injury, and he’s still miserable. To say the least, the week leading up to Christmas has been eventful, and not in a good way. I just hope Jim feels better in time to actually enjoy Christmas.

This has just been so stressful, and such an emotional roller coaster. In the grand scheme of things, though, life is still good. We are very blessed with everything we do have, and I need to continue to remind myself of that during these chaotic, crazy, stressful moments in life. So, for now, I’m finished complaining and I am going to completely succumb to the Christmas season and be hap-hap-happy for the rest of the year – no matter what! :-)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, (whatever holiday you may celebrate during this time of year) and I hope you all have a very happy new year (because, let’s face it, you may not hear from me again on here until the new year)!

Turkey and Frustration

I just thought I'd drop in quickly and fill y'all in on my oh-so-exciting life! First and foremost, I hate our bathroom project. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! We are so close to finishing, but every SINGLE step forward we take, we take three steps back. I've never been so frustrated. (Well, I have, but not recently.) I asked Jim last night how we EVER thought that renovating was fun. Ha! Boy were we stupid. I also told him that I never, ever wanted to attempt another renovation by ourselves. I'm over it. There is a ton of pride that goes into doing something yourself, but I don't know if I can go through all of this again. Anyway, we still have high hopes of at least having a sink and toilet installed by tomorrow or Wednesday. We'll see.

Secondly, I am actually super happy and excited about Thanksgiving! It would be better if it were a week away, but we'll make it work. I have family coming in town from Florida, Texas, and Mississippi, and it will be so much fun. It will be so nice getting everyone together. Of course, somehow I have to find the time to cook and bake during this final renovation completion push.

So, there are other things that I could probably talk about, but I need to head out and go to the Make-a-Wish office so I can get back here later and paint and grout our floor tile. And probably another trip to Lowe's. (I wish I could get a job there - I'm there every single day and can tell you every location of every item in the store, I bet!) And go to the grocery store. And, and, and...

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving! :-)

© Charles M. Schulz

Control

I have control issues. Everyone knows it, and I don’t deny it. I’ve gotten a little more flexible as I age, but it’s still an underlying issue. I have been thinking about it more and more lately, as I feel I have lost control of just about everything in my life. I know deep inside that everything is pretty much as it should be, but something has been making me feel incredibly lost lately. Like I can’t get a grip on anything; like everything’s falling apart. But, it’s not. Things are tough right now with our bathroom renovation, me not always feeling 100%, Jim’s job getting more and more stressful on a weekly basis, and so forth and so on. But I know that these are things I cannot control, and I’m okay with that.

I feel like I’ve lost every bit of control that I have always attempted to cling onto in my life. My life has always been full of things I have absolutely no control over, which I think is why I have become so controlling in other areas of my life. And, when one thing begins to go awry that I have counted on, I start to unravel. Sometimes my unraveling is small, and sometimes it’s ugly.

So, I’ve been thinking about what in the world is causing me to feel like everything is out of control when I know everything is as it should be (barring the aforementioned things which I know I cannot control and don’t even try to). And, I’ve nailed it.

My house is a disaster area. One big, giant, tornado of a mess. There are tools in every single room. There is thinset on every doorknob. There is dust in every crack and crevice of every piece of furniture and every floor. Some furniture has been moved into rooms where it doesn’t belong. I could go on for hours about what a disaster area this house is. This is a huge part (if not the only part) of my problem.

I maintain a great comfort in a clean home. This is something that I can control in an otherwise uncontrollable world. And I generally control it fairly well. I deeply value that sense of order that a clean house can provide.

I understand that some people can survive, and even thrive in a messy, chaotic household. I cannot. It makes me so depressed to look around and see all of this clutter and dirt everywhere. It is destroying my sense of control in the one place that I have always been able to have control. It messes with my head! A cluttered home is a cluttered head to me. I need order around me in order to function. I’m failing miserably right now.

I will take this revelation and attempt two different strategies, hoping one of them will work – or maybe even a combination of the two. I will attempt to tidy up the house as much as possible every single day. I will also take advantage of this situation to try to work through this issue a little bit. I need to learn to function at normal capacity, even when life throws me a curveball and doesn’t allow me to control things I can usually control.

Breathe deeply, and relax…

Briefly...

1. Pilates engages muscles that I had no earthly idea existed. And I used to work out religiously! Pilates-1, Me-0. I'm definitely going back, though!

2. I am so sore that I wince every time I move.

3. My house is so filthy I am thinking about checking into a hotel until this renovation is finished. (Well, not really. I wish, though!)

4. I am not doing well on the no swearing idea. Maybe if I created a swear jar... nah, I'd say it was worth it every time.

5. Perhaps thinking I could do away with my filthy language during this never-ending renovation was a dumb idea.

6. I am endlessly tired right now, and wish I could find a way to make it better.

Chaos

I am currently living in home renovation hell. There is dust on every single centimeter of my house and everything in it. There are tools in every single room of the house (except the master bedroom - I have to draw the line somewhere!). We haven't eaten a real, home-cooked meal in well over a month. We are exhausted all the time. Things are progressing overwhelming slowly. I get the feeling sometimes that I will never get my second bathroom back.

Now that I am finished complaining, I can safely say that all of the work that is completed so far looks absolutely phenomenal and perfect! It's always nice to have only perfectionists working on your home renovation. It may take a little (lot) longer, but it will look soooooo good when it's completed!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel now. We are all beginning to get more excited and less exhausted every day as we see more and more of a transformation from a nothing room into a beautiful bathroom. The tile is almost finished - hopefully just another day or two! Then, my job begins full steam ahead.

I will be priming and painting the bathroom. I will be cleaning all the thinset smudges off of the installed tiles. Then, I will be grouting the entire bathroom (shower walls and floor). After that, the plumber installs everything and we have our new bathroom!

Phew... I just got a little tired just thinking about all of the cleanup and grouting and painting I have to do! I don't mind, though. I am so very, very ready to get started on it all!

This has been a ridiculously major stress-inducer lately. Thank goodness my wonderful mother has been walking between 3 and 4 miles with me every morning. The walking is a great stress-reliever, as well as the daily chats about everything going on. And, I am going to my first Pilates class today at Push Pilates! I'm super excited about it!

This is a little bit of what's been going on with me lately. I am hoping to be able to post some completed bathroom photos in the very near future! And, once life slows down a bit, hopefully I can post more blog entries. I have so many ideas in my head, but I just can't seem to find the time to sit down and write.

#&*%

I have a very bad habit… I curse. A lot. Way too much, in fact. I’m beginning to realize as I spend more and more time around impressionable little ones on my side and Jim’s side of the family that I truly need to tone it down a little. Okay, I need to tone it down a lot.

I am not certain when I began to spew forth all of these various words, and why in the world I do it so frequently. I used to say, “There are just no other words that accurately reflect or emphasize something quite as well as (insert expletive here)!”

Add in the fact that Jim and I seem to come up with some phenomenal new curse words on a regular basis (usually by combining old faithful ones with something new). We think it’s hilarious. I still think it’s hilarious. But, I think it’s time to stop. Sigh.

I guess in my circle of friends and (some) family, cursing like a sailor is pretty much the norm. What this says about me, I’m not quite sure. But, it is what it is! I will never say anyone around me needs to curb the language, but I feel like I must. There have been too many “slips” around the kids lately (not many, just three or four minor ones in the last year – but that’s still too many in my book), and it makes me feel so awful, and like such a loser that I can’t even clean up my language around minors!

I do already have a few substitutions… My latest favorite is that What the F--- has become Why the Face, thanks to the brilliant show, Modern Family. (Which, by the way, if you don’t watch it, you should.) There are several others. Of course, being realistic, who doesn’t know what I’m really thinking when I utter these substitutions? I may have to get rid of those, too. That will have to be down the road, though. I can’t go completely cold turkey on everything!

So, here I am, announcing to the world that I am cleaning up my act. If you catch me in the act of spouting off any foul language, feel free to call me on it. I may respond with a thank you, or I may respond with a f--- you. We’ll see how I’m doing when that time comes…

And, in case any of you were wondering... I'm an ANGEL otherwise! ;-)

Children

It’s been over a week now that my beautiful little niece was born. My fabulous sister-in-law gave me one of three spots allowed in the hospital room when Shelby was brought into the world. I will be forever indebted to her for this experience. As most of you know, I am unable to have children of my own. So, this being the last baby that Bill and Shelly were having, this was my last chance to witness the birthing experience. It was absolutely beautiful.

First things first: Shelly is a rock star as far as I’m concerned. She had both of her children 100% naturally with no drugs whatsoever. It looked unbelievably hard, and she handled it so very well. Not one curse word! :-)

Being in the room with Bill, Shelly, and her mom was one of the most special experiences I’ve ever had. Holding her hand while she was laboring, watching Bill tend to her like the most caring husband in the world, watching Shelly’s mom trying to calm her down towards the end when the contractions were so bad and so numerous – it was incredible. To be welcomed into that room for all of this, well, just thinking about it now is making me tear up again. I don’t think Shelly will ever understand how much it meant to me.

Right before Shelby was born, Shelly was trying to convince the nurse that the baby was coming. The nurse didn’t quite think Shelby would be entering the world quite as quickly as she did. Her doctor missed the birth completely, and another doctor that happened to be on the floor rushed into the room just in time to take Shelby’s head and shoulders from the nurse and finish the delivery. There was no time to break down the bed and get the stirrups out, so Shelly’s mom and I held her legs back for her, while Bill stayed up by Shelly to support her while she pushed Shelby out. I ended up covered in fluids, gawking at Shelby coming out (Shelly’s mom said she was looking more at my face than anything as she was being born – ha), and crying at the wonder of the whole experience.

It was amazing on so many levels, considering I was up close and personal with it all holding one of Shelly’s legs for her! I got to see Shelly hold her for the first time. I got to see Bill hold her for the first time. It was all so surreal. I don’t think the family bond at that moment had ever been stronger for me.

So, how did all of this make me feel about the fact that I will never go through the experience of having a baby myself? As a whole, I feel about the same. It hurts that that will never be me. But, I have spent a large part of my adult life preparing myself for the fact that that will never be me. I have been to countless doctors, cried many tears, and have come to terms with it. And now, being in the prime of my biological clock ticking phase of life, I am handling it pretty well.

I hate the fact that I will never be able to have a baby. I hate the fact that I will never have the bonding experience of having my own child. I hate the fact that I will never be able to give my mother the bonding experience of having her daughter have a baby. I cry about it still, on occasion.

On the other hand, being the grounded and (I think) intelligent woman that I am, I know within reason that even though I am incredibly nurturing and have a whole lot of love to give, that with my health the way it is, I probably wouldn’t have been able to be the best mother I could be. I have said for years now (somewhat jokingly, somewhat seriously), that God knew what (S)He was doing when I was created.

So, here I am, hoping to be the best aunt possible, and care for every single person around me, young or old, as best I can. I’d like to think that everyone around me knows they can count on me for just about anything. I have enough love, compassion, and caring inside of me to spread around to tons of people! I wish to be the best aunt, partner, daughter, friend, acquaintance, or stranger that I can be.

I’m okay!

And here is a picture of Bill and Shelly’s kids:

Baby Girl!

Happy birthday, Shelby! I believe she was about 6 hours old when I snapped this picture:




Super-ridiculously-proud Aunt Emmy, looking like she hasn't slept in 6 months, but whatever - Shelby is adorable:




One of Shelby's older brothers, Richard, showing her some love:

As usual...

...life speeds up, so blog posts slow down!

I have been contemplating the whole blog thing lately, since I know I have perhaps 3 people that actually check in on it with any regularity. I was thinking maybe I should let it go.

Then, I realized that I started the blog, ultimately, for myself. So if I end up writing away and no one sees it - no problem!

I am actually not posting a big entry tonight, but wanted to check in with the few of you out there still clicking to see updates. I'm still here! And I have no plans to leave the blogosphere anytime soon!

That having been said...

I HAVE A NEW NIECE!!!!! :-)

Shelby Diane was born on 10/9/10 at 2:16 p.m.

I was in the delivery room as she was being born - quite the experience! I'll have to sit down and spend a little more time writing about that, as I've got a whole range of emotions that go along with the thrilling experience.

But, I just need to say - Shelly (my sis-in-law) is a rockstar! She has now given birth to two babies - all natural! Wow. And, having seen it firsthand - Shelly, you have my undying respect!

And, I was going to post a picture, but I need to check with Shelly first. I am only posting pictures on here with permission (or posting pictures that are small enough that you can't identify anyone). Those of you on facebook, I'm about to post a picture on there to show off!

Now, I need to go try to beat my insomnia that I've been battling recently. I have a lot more to write in the very near future, so don't give up on me (if you're still interested)!

Eeeeeek!

And, the countdown has begun. We have 40 days to complete our bathroom renovation. The one that has been sitting, incomplete, for over a year now. We refinanced the house so we have to have a completed second bathroom for our new appraisal for the new mortgage. I'm incredibly excited and nervous at the same time.

Excited because I cannot wait to have our second bathroom back! I've spent a lot of time in my life with only one bathroom, with only minor problems. But now that I have lived with the two bathrooms, I'm spoiled and can't imagine how I ever lived with just one! Nervous because I'm afraid we won't be finished in time. Or that perhaps the deadline-induced speed with which it has to be completed may lead to a mistake or two.

My excitement far outweighs my trepidation, however! We've lived way too long with a gutted bathroom!

Now, before anyone blames it completely on laziness, we have had a very, very hectic and crazy year. The few moments we had that were all to ourselves with no interruptions, we chose to overlook the bathroom and just have fun together. However, laziness and burnout did play a role, I'm afraid.

So, here goes nothing! We're about to create a fabulous new guest bathroom!

Here is a picture of the former bathroom. It was ugly, cracked, nasty, and so forth:




Here are pictures of our gutted bathroom. This was the hardest demolition we've done so far. Ah, old houses:






Here are pictures of what the bathroom has looked like for over a year. You can feel the burnout in the pictures. We didn't even finish screwing in the drywall. I still think it's prettier here than it was before:






Then, we got burned out, had other projects to work on, got ill, work got crazy, and life just got in the way. So, if everyone could keep their fingers crossed for us to meet our new deadline, I'd appreciate it! I can't wait to post finished product pictures! :-)

Manning Bowl 2010!

I would have posted about our trip a little earlier, but I came down with a cold upon return from our packed Indy weekend. But, I figured I would take advantage of my insomnia tonight/this morning and get going on grabbing pictures off my camera and writing about it!

We. Had. So. Much. Fun. I’ve been using these words too much lately. But, honestly, there are no words to accurately convey how much fun we had this past weekend. It was exciting, new, eventful, adventurous, busy, spectacular, unreal, and I could go on and on. Jim and I have been talking all week about we keep re-living moments of the trip in our heads over and over again. It was one of the most special vacations we have taken together so far, I think. There will be many, many more special and spectacular trips I’m sure, because we love to travel. But this one – wow.

Starting off with the fact that downtown Indianapolis is fabulous in and of itself. It is like a cross between Memphis and Chicago. I said NYC at first, but I think it’s more Chicago. It is about the size of Memphis’ downtown, but you feel like you are in Chicago when you walk down the streets. It’s like a mini-Chicago. It has all the really nice stores and restaurants, and pretty much everything you could need in a downtown. And, it’s so cute!

And then there was the game. I have never been to a pro game before, so this was pretty huge. Add to that the fact that I was with the love of my life. Add to that the fact that we went to Indy to see Peyton Manning play against his little brother, Eli Manning. It was the Colts/Giants sibling rivalry game. We are huge Manning fans, so this was amazing to be able to go see in person.

Overall, I know this blog post does not do our trip justice whatsoever. It’s rather disjointed because I truly can’t find the words to express what an incredible trip this was. So, my apologies! But, I will leave you with some pictures from our trip and hope that some of the energy of the trip jumps off the photos!

This is where we had an extremely expensive meal the first night we were there. It was so, so, so yummy! We stuffed ourselves silly and waddled back to the hotel afterwards:




These are a few shots from our explorations of downtown before the game:








This is a picture of our favorite Giants fan of the day:




This is where we ate lunch/dinner before the game:






These are some pictures of us, Lucas Oil Stadium, the crowds, inside, etc.:
















I have a lot more pictures - some are posted on Facebook if you want to see more!